Hannah Fantana


i went to the DMV today, felt like a human
i'm finally a human now

i let you come over and hold me because i find the way you trace my arm fascinating
and the way i can never be happy around you
and the way my pillow smells of your curls long after you've left

we lie down on a mattress on the floor and instead of being nice when you wrap your legs around mine, i am apprehensive

you nuzzle me into you
i think of something ridiculous and i laugh
but i can't articulate it
and i feel a little bit farther away from you

lie down under these christmas lights with me
even though it is not christmas
and you have pointed this out

you never let me hold your hands
so i put them next to yours and move them around a bit
you never let me be happy so hug you a little less
i move my fingers up and down and around yours, lightly grazing them
and i swear i could do this for hours
you say 'dopamine' in a small voice two times so i know you're still there
you tell me about your hands and your grandfathers hands and of churches and gods

i tell you i don't write poetry anymore
but i guess i was lying

whisper deep spanish mumbles into my ear and remind me:
i am only a dove

you tell me all the things i've said to you and i feel devoid of emotion
funny how you can make all the boys seem like little paper cranes
you take it away and you fold it all wrong
but i guess that's how that works, isn't it?

i will let you come over if you promise not to let me fall in love with you
you can't make me want to know you

Hannah Fantana is a writer from San Diego. You can find her at and @sadderall.

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