6/3/10

Christina Goldstein

Letters to Maxwell Solomon, Unsent


1.
Well, I had, of course,
thought about it before
(your long lovely bones,
childlike rightness of every
motion) but this, darling,
was not grown in a
bubble in space--
the welling up in you,
then the hot summer
night the liquor
brought it up burning,
sent us, smelling of chlorine
and charcoal, clumsy
tumbling down and
down into a bright
roaring, all hot and
white and swimming,
and the quiet smiling morning
I left you (looking
soft as memory) for work,
and couldn’t wait
for the lunch hour to
come home and
kiss you sweetly.
But you had gone.

2.
And the day of
hermit crabs and
cheese sandwiches,
riding home with
the ocean on our lips
and in our bones,
letting my papers fly
out the car window
(the sand broke stars
in your black hair),
highway glittering, for us,
everycolor blue--
we stopped only to
hold forever
the sound of wind
through momentary
trees.

3.
That night I found you
so drunk you couldn’t
stand, couldn’t stand
yourself, tearing
at your clothes
like you didn’t know
they were nothing,
I could have laughed
the names of lovers
forever on ice and
the so many poems
about you,
Maxwell Solomon,
but here I am,
alone, with
letters, unsent.

IV.
Last night
I dreamed you
white and frail
as the picked-over
bone of a bird,
eyes like bruises
in your face,
black frozen lakes
weighting the tundra
of your skin.
It was no use,
my calling,
my self.
And now,
even my
bottle of Saint Jude’s
won’t help me
forget.


Christina Goldstein is currently living and writing in Tampa, FL. This is her first published piece.

86 comments:

  1. O hey, it's Christina Goldstein!

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  2. I love you Christina,wow! -Haley, a forgotten best friend

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  3. if i could write a billhoard i'd write you name, over and over again, resounding into dust. i'd paint a picture so soft and so bright, pregnant in the snow. i would scream your name from my black void of without you. i'd climb a tree and block for you the sun, the halo of light surrounding. when i fell when i heard the ac pumping away and your face, i thought i had been crushed. i cried for you each night, worshipped you each morning and hated you in between. you were mine you were always mine, and you don't need to forget becausei got your back. i always got your back baby. i clean up your mess, you caught me that time when you said i don't think you do. a tear fell onto the highway.

    for my dear puttyskank

    (i heard you)

    "America's lonely" "No it's not, it's right next to Mexico and Canada..." i am yours

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  4. i wish i had been a better friend to you. bye, i guess you don't care. neither do i.

    save my life. save my life.

    oh right, it doesn't matter

    -adams

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  5. i totally apologize for writing that. to anybody who reads this. i am ok. -adams

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  6. extacy
    you holding me in your arms
    rubbing my arm
    when i fell into darkness

    bunk beds
    bt playing
    rubbing my feet

    i heard there were icecubes?
    a puff
    a secret
    i can't tell

    leaving
    one continuous stream
    sitting on the bed
    holding christina between my legs
    her pink jacket
    even looking around the room
    his eyes settling on me
    and then, wait...
    christina

    he almost tripped as he walked out the door
    i watched silently

    and then before i left
    the fake eyelashes
    the cup the day before

    christina walking by
    the next day
    wearing the same clothes
    only once

    "i see orange blue yellow and pink...but that's just me"
    lance rubbing against christina in the kitchen
    christina, what colors do you see

    blushing
    the magnets on the fridge

    <3,
    -Haley Adams Smith

    aka The lonely lonely crackhead

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  7. Christina,
    I am so sorry I wrote that. I am a wretched wretched friend and I don't blame you for hating me.

    <3 <3 <3

    Really sorry to everybody else too. Sorry Christina. Your writing is beautiful.

    -HAley

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  8. everyday i sit here, thinking quietly, everyday i think of you. i think of the windows and the air and the weedwacker. i remember your laughing at max, i assume the long lovely bones was meant for me. everyday, genius, i check 411 and don't have the money to creep out your phone number. or the energy. you're impossible. impossibly sweet, impossible to find. i'm watching a flying shark on tv. i don't care about anything anymore. i drink my meds back and trudge trudge for you. the bitter amillin bronchitis prevented our second kiss. "you're my girl, you're my girl" it echoes and you're crying.wow, sea animals really scare me. if you were a whale, i'd snuggle in your teeth...in your pearly white whale teeth also, vannco says hi. if you were a whale i would be a dolphin. ok bye. love, the black eyed bird haha

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  9. 'Cause I don't want you to feel forgotten
    And I don't want you to fall away
    But you know there's something I've forgotten
    And notes I left for all to blame

    -BT

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  10. I thought I was special
    I thought I was neat
    Turned out I was nothing
    Except your dog treat.

    I thought we were friends,
    I thought the road was both ways
    Turns out I should have been talking
    Into the mirror , myself

    You lied to me,
    You said you didn't see each other
    You still do
    And drool and chant and poke me
    With your lies.

    Tell me,
    because I want to know
    What it means to be your friend.
    "you're my girl" might as well be "you're my whore"

    I poured my heart out
    and you sucked it up
    Like milk
    Like milk.

    Yes, I have problems. Yes, you don't..
    Does that mean I have no heart, no brain?
    None that you could see.

    You say don't burn bridges,
    You say don't be obnoxious, and around
    This fool, with footprints on her heart...is never set free.

    So live your lives, in jubily together
    While my face roasts on the fire.
    N O T O R I O U S.

    Love,
    The lonely lonely emo cracker.
    Don't write back.
    Especially you.

    "TOo many crackheads calling me"
    "too many for you"

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  11. marry me ME me me me

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  12. I'm really sorry for messing up your poem and your life temporarily. sorry...i hope you do really well you're a great poet and i repsect that. best wishes, haley

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  13. oh and sorry for uh...yeah.

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  14. This is what happened, this is what I wrote. From the depths of my insanity...Mom, I inhaled a vitamin. Well, it will just grow into flowers. A bouquet in my lung.





    Eating nerds when I was three. In front of the aquarium. Dad would like a nerd. Where should I put it, with no pockets? I'll put it in my nose. It will be safe there.





    The flowers, the dandelions, picking blackberries, discovering daffodils, or whatever you call them. Falling into the abyss on Star Wars. Those scary light swords. And then I met you. I was a baby and you were a baby in my dream.





    A cartoon baby. The rainbow that brought me there. Picking the skin off my feet. Who cuts the bottom of their feet? The wizard of Oz. This is before I met you. Before I saw you on the floor, your long black hair and a blank expression. This was you. You fell above from the water.





    You were a mermaid to my brain. And the Swiss, the chalet and the subtleties of your touch. I punched you in the stomach. You laughed and said "How about you love Haley Adams Smith" well I smiled and rolled on my back, nooo...





    Holding your hand so tight on the bus, I looked back when you got off, headed home, and you looked urgent and I turned away. It was a month later I realized you left your bags on the bus.





    Your beard, your hair, your nose. And the endless letters back to you , "Have you heard,,,the storay,,,of the spidah...and the alligata" It was always this way I said. There was something in your walk, a click like when tap shoes...To turn to your body, and not know it was you. And then thrashing because I knew it was. You cut your hair. It lay down so soft and smooth





    "I saw clouds" I saw them too. Vann..the skeleton interviews the clouds of smoke. Writing on Lady Gaga's wall, thankful for the gift of painting, and brown eyes and brown hair. Thankful for my life. Thankful for my sister. Your picture frame sits by me on the bed. Icing, a cupcake frame, and you. With your dog. And me, with my bed. When my hands were behind my back I saw you, my heart exposed. That was my goodbye. My heart couldn't help but beat, couldn't help but reach. Then I went to jail.

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  15. I'll bet two years I'll bet one year
    I'll bet those years you won't be here
    I guess I'll keep, I guess you'll keep
    Every memory
    Sadly we may never be
    I'll bet my tears I'll bet your tears
    I'll bet those tears over time could disappear

    -ALY AND AJ

    No one's gonna love you more than I do...

    -BAND OF HORSES

    It's so magical, we'd be so fantastical...

    -LADY GAGA

    CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE

    -LADY GAGA

    Lay where you're layin' don't make a sound

    -KINGS OF LEON

    All along the Western front, people line up to receive...she gonna teach me how to swim...

    -MGMT

    ma ma ma ma, ma

    -LADY GAGA

    BOy meets girl, you were my dream my world

    -CASCADA

    Cherry cherry

    -LADY GAGA

    Sorry I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy...

    -LADY GAGA

    GOOOOO!

    -JUNIOR SENIOR

    Ashes on your eyes...just about the time, your heart breaks like a wheel, not in a straight line but all in pieces, some you leave behind, on a road, you won't revise, no you won't revisit that dirty compromise...

    -DEB TALAN

    Convict Gaga...

    -LADY GAGA

    Gonna stand outside the box, and put the rules on hold...tonight...

    -JESSICA SIMPSON

    Beautiful, Dirty, RIch.

    -LADY GAGA

    Always lookin' down and all i see

    -KINGS OF LEON

    BOys BOys BOys

    -LADY GAGA

    Film

    -APHEX TWIN

    And the pain has started to, slip away...

    -GOLDFRAPP

    DEBASER! debaser, debaser

    -PIXIES

    You are my sweetest love,
    THat love I alwasy wanna hug
    BECause I really love you














    -SCHNUFFEL BUNNY

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  16. Happiest birthday my dear. thursday was the one day of the year that it was not on my mind...I'm sorry escpecially since it was a lovely day, bright and windly and faintly of smoke...and brittle ice cream and dreams of lance and you, with your sunken eyeliner, leaning on me like a ... and Lilly so bright and a happy 24th to you my dear. and a happy 24th.

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  17. It's not always a poem, or a news blah, or a blue hint. It's not always about you, or me, or anybody. It's not even about the sun, or the cover of a book, or the terrifying dream it evoked...was it the writing? But we both know that our time together is spent. We lay on the bed. The smoke climbs ladders to the ceiling, and you lie, spent. It's not always the teeth or the lips or the gums, or the arachnoid space in my spine. What do I want to tell you? That I wish I was your mother so I could be proud, and cry when you graduated, and kiss you on the cheek. Although I haven't met her, I think about her. She is tall. She's really sexy, she leans on the door. She has a lover with a mustache, you can hear them from your trundle bed. Sorry, is that too much, my little void? Or I was your father, mildly fat, sitting away in the stands with you, proud of who you've become. A mustache also. But chubbier. A little taller than you. These people, who think I'm a nuisance, will probably never know how MUCH i loved you, though surely not as much as them. I wish I loved you so...I remember the birthday card on the table, and the ashtray, and the "fuck you" under your breath. Because I don't know your mother because I'm a jerk.

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  18. last night i dreampt you, in costume, with one rasta eye. concentric yellow green red. you were my worst nightmare in that eye haha. there was a park, green and dark, like so many dreams of mine. and you guys were like parrot transvestites in your costumes, one of you almost invisible. and me the beauty queen as always, my fat self in black but a girl dressed similar to me, though different...was wearing a prom dress. and you swung on the banisters with your big ugly rasta eye...hahahaahahhah

    my fingers drip tears from their ends onto the keyboard. there were so many sighs left unsaid.

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  19. a panda for your sorrows
    a buddha for your laugh
    a steak for your fingers
    a haley for your laugh

    2 dogs for your company
    2 parrots for your whistle
    3 cats for your company
    8 laughs for your giggle

    3 artichokes a chiming
    3 bananas a waking
    4 tulips
    a blooming
    5 crates for a making

    8 things at your disposal
    9 poems at your risk
    10 comments for a waking
    9 elbows for a twist

    3 buckets a blooming
    8 pillows a snoozing
    4 shackles a making
    6 boats for a quaking.

    11 doberman pinschers.
    3 labradors
    10 echoes
    3 chords

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  20. this is my comfort. my mom read the hobbit to me when i was three. so for my storytelling. and i only say that because you know it, and because chelsey said it, already...somebody said "a suicide note without intention is a autobiography" so, here i go. i don't feel loved anymore, i am not happy to wake up anymore. it's like a death march quite literally. and that's not all the time. but when i think of you, and what i lost with you and with that, i want to curl up into an armadillo and sleep and be spiky. because i miss you. i want to cry onto my arms for i miss your eyes. i know you're trying but it's not enough. even when i was with you with you with you it was never enough, unless i realized how lucky i was to be seeing you. there's a picture of this, my hand holding my cigarette as though it were in a cast, my eyes smiling. that green ribbon in my hair and my shoulders raised as if i were secretly tittering. that's all behind us now. there's so much behind us, and so much in front of me, that the future seems cruel and torturing. and so i write you this, not out of threat but out of desperation. a plea for me to come home againn, and sit on your feet and bob my head and wait for you to come to me. a girl asked "what was between you and christina?" that day is behind us, a vertical slit under each eye, for the tears are not enough. i am your panda. you caught the silver monkey, the talking cat, and now it will be forever loyal to you. let this not be my fate, for the talking cat only talks because it has a warm lap to lap on. and so the unpoetic end comes. and i know when i wake up you'll be there. but i'm not dying tonight...bandage my arms, lick my wounds an d armadillo i am.

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  21. the talking cat was an amy bloom reference.

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  22. Dear Christina Goldstein,

    (it makes sense to call you so, since I am clearly delusional in my beliefs...) Since you don't answer any of my comments, I am forced to quote you "a relationship goes both ways" something I will never know. And it's not just this, it's all the times I forced things on you and demanded your attention and were oh so surpised when you didn't give it to me...I'm sorry for my obsession with you and it probably makes you feel really bad. For that I apologize. It's a cold world with no friends, and still I cling to it. Whatever that means. I guess I thought one day you'd realize I'm the one for you. But I'm not. This is the last thing I will write you. Until the day I die. My mom said saying things like that is childish, but with me, and with my obsession with you it most be so. Farewell, I hope your poem gets big and that you continue to lead a happy life. I'm sorry if this is pedantic or sad, and believe me you were a lot of fun...also please don't ever contact me. i don't want to see your face, or hear your voice. If you ever try to call me I will block you and call the police. THIS IS MY FAULT

    Love,
    Haley Smith

    XXX

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  23. just looking in the dictionary and thinking about what a bitch i am for holding you responsi blah blah anyway, check out harnessed in the dictionary...it's a german kid on a leash. haha. no joke. and for GUITAR they have a picture of a guitar. no joke. and....i like your guitar a lot, and i wrote a song and i'm learning guitar...also, a crescent roll is in the dictionary too. who knew the pillboy was so popular? go kraft! and..."crew neck" for those hickies or shippies. and "eaves!" for your roof you. and lots of ponies and ugly dogs that look like penises. no umm, flirt, intended........really. and. look who it is! little lord fauntleroy!

    did you know, mneumonic devices right? remember button shoe sock by big sally's stock etc. is after mneumonic the greek god of memory. salute mneumonia! more in a second. the "figwort family" which randall would be interested in is right down the street. a flying fish, a flying LIZARD?? a leopard frog







    LANCE! a gibson girl, " a typical, clean cut, poised American woman of the outdoor type, as drawn by the illustrator,, Charles Dana Gibson, 1867-1944"

    a GIG, a light, open, two-wheeled carriage drawn by one horse.

    a giraffe, the gills on a mushroom etc. haha, a "gravy train" , "Slang, something that yilds great or easy profits" Are you on a gravy train lance?

    gymnosperm gyroscope ect. ect. ect.

    Hh for Hhaley Aadams

    a half-track, a half-rest, a halberd "a weapon that is both a spear and a battle axe, used in warfare in the 1400's and 1500's"

    Alexis would like half-track, it's a motor vehicle with little soldiers in it....

    honeycomb, Indian wrestling, judo, juggler, "?juke joint" a roadhouse where liquor is sold etc.

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU SO MUCH

    this is my letter, sent, christina. i hope you find your maxwell solomon somewhere in Europe.

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  24. christina christina,
    my love, christina.
    my sanction, my safety, my honor.
    wish i could watch you blow clouds of smoke
    wish you could feel me against your face.
    how did i go so awry.
    my beautiful bali-hai girl.
    my love.
    my antiquity.
    this child is very sorry,
    for the bright nights and stargazing to you,
    are so far behind this detour.
    i love you.
    i worship you.
    i cradle you in my arms
    for you are
    my christina.

    love,
    haley

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  25. happy halloween lovely,

    i especially like the end. I don't totally get you but I did some research on St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes...if you're hungry, thirsty, lonely, you call on saint jude. i hope everything's ok

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  26. well, here i am, in sarasota, if you wanna hang out call...sorry but there was no other way to contact you.

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  27. APOLOGY:

    To Christina Goldstein, and whoever reads this, I am soooooo sorry for getting you caught up in my delusional shinanigans. I never meant any harm but this poem should stand alone, and my friendship with you, and I am so sorry for whatever I did that pissed you off. Just because I haven't heard from you doesn't mean I should write...I know that I'll probably never know you again. Wait, haha, is that possible? I'm Kanye West sortof and I'm sorry sorry sorry <3 scratch that. I am gone. poof

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  28. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/topic.php?uid=181844178512118&topic=410

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  29. I always thought I could find you, that at any moment I would come back and you would be near. I admit it, I looked up your adress and drove to Tampa to find you, humming and burning curiosity, my voice shakiing, asked an Indian woman, "Is Christina home?" but you weren't. I remember you the day I first met you, clinging to you at a wall like a green gecko on your shoulder, you were like a tree I was under. And the time we met the Hari Krishna's and I told you I was sad. The time under the tree when I saw a flower and thought of you. Five pettles on my ankle. I remember when everything changed. It was like an earthquake, but when i came back you said "Haley's here now we can smoke" and I left and expected you right there if I were only to try. I did it, five years later I tried. It was too late. Sometimes I think back to the starry night on the stairs...Or when you said "Vannco" and everything else, I was your bitch, to put it bluntly, and we sipped our sodas in unison...I'm sorry that I couldn't find you, that the hour glass for me is spent, a ship in the top half. I wish I could be your best friend again, I appreciate everything you've done for me so much. You are cherry and I am lime...whatever that means...but I write this, in hopes that you could forgive me for everything that happened later...You are a special girl and I've made so many friends without you,,, so many, , and i miss you. I . Love. You. And that is the f@@@ing best poem I've ever read.

    "A true tragic love story is not one-sided" but I know that the tree was meant for me "momentary trees or something...........

    Love,
    Elenore

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  30. i used to sit when i was walking at night, and i would look up at the moon, and there was this star...and i always thought that if it got close enough to the moon..

    Remember that? the star and the moon?

    Remember when you said we were sisters, that you would love me forever?

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  31. You love somebody else.. I understand... Sorry for my arrogance. I really didn't mean to hurt you by ruining whatever you've got. I'm sorry Christina. I guess it's time for me to go......were do i go from here *sigh* i'm really happy for you. :) nice poem bye. :)

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  32. I miss my Christina...you were never chrissy or anything else to me (haha, except when i called you sarah. we are so good haha) but yeah, my Christina means the world to me...I would rather be a luney, I told you I would get fat and dye and shave my hair and come back. I'm a moron. (half for thinking half for doing hahhahah...mm I FUCKING LOVE YOU CHRISTINA. FUCKING CHRISTINA

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  33. i decided to write nothing and then i saw carl's picture. remember when he had that wheelchair, and he would run it into palm trees? anyway, the point is i miss you, but i've excepted that you aren't my girlfriend anymore and anyway i'm into chelsey. and even more into a girl that you don't know. there are three ways to live life christina. as an accepter, a non-acceptor, or a prostitute. i fear i have been the ladder to you and chelsey and carl and everybody else. and then i think...what if i had given it all up to come to sarasota...would you have even taken me in? there is somebody stalking me, but not out of love. his aim is to ruin my life. i wish there was some sunshine in this hole. i'm not whineing, i'm just saying. i got accepted to school in louisiana and plan to go there, and hopefully one day have a job. i saw a spongebob squarepants barbie the other day, no joke! i have 2 rats, superman and coco chanel, and i think you would find them very pleasant creatures. their little claws dig into my scalp. sorry to hear our chainsaw passed away...my rats are huge now and they are like little dogs. the only thing is they're really strong. haha. it's really hard to pick them up lol. how is condaleeza rice and that big rat and guido and all? i won't think you're a sissy or that you've forgiven me if you write back,, how are you?

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  34. Hey Christina, this will be,short. I read your poem and thought of new meanings but that's all behind us. Though its cheesy, you will always be my sister. One more thing. My quote. And she loved her to the exclusion of everyone else, a bitter love, a love so dark and true that when it finally ended, it burnt out like a flame.:)

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  35. Hey Christina, this will be,short. I read your poem and thought of new meanings but that's all behind us. Though its cheesy, you will always be my sister. One more thing. My quote. And she loved her to the exclusion of everyone else, a bitter love, a love so dark and true that when it finally ended, it burnt out like a flame.:)

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  36. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oaHHrNQVrg just sayin... check out my profile pic!

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  37. i really think chelsey would love me/hate me for posting this. i love chelsey.http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6dL8rq/www.youtube.com/watch%253Fv%253Dk7X7sZzSXYs STumbleUPon

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  38. GOd let me be brave tonight.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5DOGsoiW6c

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  39. It was a seashore day,
    The cement was long and expansive,
    The lines of clothes strung high to the ceiling,
    In neat little rows on a Goldfrapp set.
    The buffets neverending.

    I saw you in the subway,
    I could feel you reaching for me,
    From the back window,
    As the car rolled away.

    Dust.

    Maybe it's not always about me,
    You said,
    Maybe you were right.
    But you held me in your arms last night,
    Our arms mingling,
    Kissing you on the cheek after I saw you.

    And then the cops came,
    And you said that's the last time you take Haley,
    And through the large broken window
    I climbed on wooden boxes,
    Knocking your black statue to the floor.

    As it cracked,
    I heard my name.
    And I remember sitting with you at the picnic table
    Watching Dan and Amber,
    and crying, "I'll always be jealous of you."
    You didn't say anything. You sat there still.

    And as the car rolled back,
    And I flew over the cliff,
    And back to New College,
    My fame was inglorious.
    It was too much.
    It was impossible.
    I cried for the days when you casually dropped your coffee cup,
    And I knelt to retrieve it.
    The days when we had the seashore in our hair,
    Your brown eyes hugging me.
    Those eyes that turned black.
    Though a black of beauty.
    A supreme beauty
    That reflects the light back onto me and then you.
    Ping pong into dust.

    You are gone.
    I remember those eyes
    More than I remember much
    And I know that
    In our hearts
    We'll always be together.
    But not till then.
    Not till then.

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  40. eh, could have been a better poem. don't like the end (mine, NOT YOURS!) lol, thanks for the five dollas i needed it girl. I'm reading dracula. i adopted a cat. He's a rare japanese bobtail, the same kind based hello kitty and the lucky swinging arm cats, i don't know what you call them! listening to lance's lovely music etc

    “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

    - Bob Marley

    -Haley haley haley haley haley haley haley a smith

    ReplyDelete
  41. "smelling of chlorine and charcoal" that night i drank the ashes

    "bottle of St. Jude's" the perfume on the counter the counter, when i was working as a pizza delivery girl and you would sit with lance and do unknown things and make flowers out of the tiny liquor bottles. when i rubbed it on my arm and you said, "where did you get that?" "you gave it to me, and then you smelled my arm and lance and then i looked up and saw his face, bright and fresh, but yours was the same. "eyes like bruises in your face" afejaxehepme, and the so many dusks on the porch, with that green expanse below the open airy balcony, biting my tongue as chelsey walked by...jp on the grass...i could write about 100 memorys of you...when we went to the pizza place and we stood together to greet our host, a big nice italian woman, and you there, like a little girl, and then eating pizza silently, and then you sat on a puddle "why didn't you tell me that was there?" and plotting secrets against you with max, the max solomon, and you looking at lance like "what do we do/huh" and then riding home and it was cold there and i offered you my soft white longsleeved shirt and you refused and lance wanted it, turning down the radio, the wind in our hair, because i was getting too excited...and the first time i met you, i noted what a horrible lover he was and you flicked your wrist so softly, and it was the first time i thought, this person is gentle, and is a friend. and that was the last time i did something like that. finding dan's notes about the mermaid and laughing, the secrets we kept from dan! (the doll under the rug) and you and lance. "do you do voodoo haley" and me laughing and smiling like a baby because i knew i was yours'. and lance wrote "tryin to look but your baby doesn't." that night we looked at johnny depp pictures and almost "got it on" but i didn't look. Ojala that i had. and the green grass the hart linker, and the rug the banana etc. I am the rug. The pictures you drew! the man that walked into the bar, named "the pussie bar" and said "cum here lately" and the markers you always had, the leaf with the veins almost ripping out of its skull. you were a maniac. and we talked on the phone once a week when i was away, and i shrieked in joy to hear you and then was embarassed. i paused. and then you shrieked just like me jellybeans ponies bicycles etc. "I could write the names of lovers forever on ice but here I am with letters unsent" when i was bad, and you were not happy with me, but still hugged me goodbye, barely.....and then i saw you the next day and you walked behind me and kicked my yellow smiley face beanbag. and then you were walking with lance, about 100 feet away, and i ...reached into my bag, i had on a tiered kneelength gold skirt and a little sweater i had assembled. and i acknowledged you, but didn't meet your eye, and you looked at me and i at you and then you forgave me with your eyes and i smiled an then lance looked at me like i was the hottest thing ever and my whole body was invigorated as if a gust of wind had hit me. I LOVE YOU. that was my goodbye. and i meant it. to you and all the other pirates and all those who never made it there, or did, but i didn't like them, because i was always true to the firsts and seconds. the thirds were for you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hey girl, thinking of you....

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hey girl, thinking of you....

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hey girl, thinking of you....

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hey girl, thinking of you....

    ReplyDelete
  46. christina goldstein i love you!
    it has been a long and arduous trek my friend!
    and now here we are, together again!
    with good news and prosperity galore!
    as long as we don't die there's nothing we'd want more!
    and even then, with suitcases on our back!
    we'll run and run, we'll beat the pack!
    for heaven has never nearer been!
    these words will never be spoke again!
    thankyou, for the gift of freedom
    thankyou, for the gift of peace
    thankyou for your long beautiful hair and the way it curls around your lip
    like a cupie doll, there's no quip!
    so when i run out of words and these rhymes start to drive,
    remember me, and you'll always survive.

    love you...for who you are not for who i want you to be...i love you so much snuggle bear

    and with my window down, my speakers on, heaven hasn't but a single thorn (not really)

    ReplyDelete
  47. As I was standing on the porch

    Looking into the Georgia trees

    Hearing the dog barking and the breeze

    I remembered something.

    I remembered that time,

    Seven years ago,

    When you took that horrible drug-salvia.

    And you held Max

    Amd squezzed his hand

    And disappeared.

    You crawled over everybody

    Each person in our semicircle,

    You crawled over each one.

    And there you were in front of me

    And you looked straight at me

    I had expected you to crawl.

    But no, you sat there and stared at me.

    But you couldn't see.

    And through some instinct I smiled

    Out of consciousness

    And you started at me,

    Your eyes fierce

    And in that second,

    For three years we were together in darkness

    And then you jumped up and ripped off your shirt

    And woke up.

    And you cried that night,

    You were gone so long...

    So as I stood out on the porch,

    I realized,

    You didn't just save me,

    When you rubbed my arm when I was rolling,

    I saved you.

    And I know you hate me

    And that I'll never hear your voice or see you,

    But know that,

    I would do anthing for you.

    I would sink to darkness to save you.

    0a dream

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hurts pain pain lichen gone pain pain ouchi

    ReplyDelete
  49. I figure, if there was ever the best orvworst time to write it would be now, I am madly in love with you, Christina Goldstein, I like thecwayvyou smile and the color of your hair and the way you laugh when max is being silly. I like your bracelets and the way you move and how you listen to me, I like thecway you squint, the words you don't say, I like kneeling in front of you, and tickling you

    ReplyDelete
  50. I'm sorry for my delusions, it ended a long time ago for us. I guess it just got boring...this is your poem and I'm sorry for messing it up and for embarrassing you and probably, I'm starting to cry, if I just lost you it would be ok, but I lost a lot of people...ill try and control my instinct to write but there's nothing left to say anyway, one day ill fall in love again, that's all

    ReplyDelete
  51. "There could be a stadium between us and it felt like she was a millimeter away. This happened many times. The smiles that lasted for seconds, telling me, "I'm right here, keep partying". There will never be another Christina Goldstein. Remember the first time we hung out with the old pirates, and you offered me your lip gloss? (This is from my point of view, of course...) You gave it to me, Is this yours? No. No, it's not mine. Shy. Are you sure? Yes. It's not mine. That lip gloss was magic. When you came into my world, you cradled me. You cut your hair like mine, you let me pat you on the knee. But I'm probably crazy. You wandered after me...I think I'm crazy all the time, you said. In front of everybody.There was a palm frond on the ground. You looked up, you wished somebody had seen us walking together. It all started out smooth, little did I know you would pout, and call cops and all the shit you pulled. The miranda act? Seriously? Who cares...everybody hates me anyway. I drove by Wesley Chapel. I drove by your house. Your dog was just as you described. I saw your purple flip flops at the door. Just kidding, this is fiction! Who cares? Nobody cares about me. I'm a nightmare, I'm the chirping electronic bluejay at your door, I'm the face in the crowd you wish never existed, I'm the ache in your back on a bad day. What happened? And then, I"ll be sleeping on the couch, and there you'll be, I can feel you watching me, as if you've never seen anybody sleeping before. As if I was a small animal. And then I feel safe. And then I hope, that there's meaning in this life. I payed twenty dollars for your information. It's not listed. You're not listed in the phonebook. YOu have no recent pictures. I count your friends everyday, and everyday I forgot how you blew in my eyes when I was high, red and tingly, how you stood up for me when somebody said that's mean, how you heard every cry, noticed every bottle cap. And then I miss you...

    ReplyDelete
  52. Under my thumb
    The girl who once had me down
    Under my thumb
    The girl who once pushed me around

    It's down to me
    The difference in the clothes she wears
    Down to me, the change has come,
    She's under my thumb

    Ain't it the truth, babe?

    Under my thumb
    The squirmin' dog who's just had her day
    Under my thumb
    A girl who has just changed her ways

    It's down to me, yes it is
    The way she does just what she's told
    Down to me, the change has come
    She's under my thumb
    Ah, ah, say it's alright

    Under my thumb
    A siamese cat of a girl
    Under my thumb
    She's the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world
    [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rolling+stones/under+my+thumb_20117884.html ]
    It's down to me
    The way she talks when she's spoken to
    Down to me, the change has come,
    She's under my thumb
    Ah, take it easy babe
    Yeah

    It's down to me, oh yeah
    The way she talks when she's spoken to
    Down to me, the change has come,
    She's under my thumb
    Yeah, it feels alright

    Under my thumb
    Her eyes are just kept to herself
    Under my thumb, well I
    I can still look at someone else

    It's down to me, oh that's what I said
    The way she talks when she's spoken to
    Down to me, the change has come,
    She's under my thumb
    Say, it's alright.

    Say it's all...
    Say it's all...

    Take it easy babe
    Take it easy babe
    Feels alright
    Take it, take it easy babe

    -The Rolling Stones......

    I'm very jealous of whoever you're spending your time with. :) Lucky bastard

    ReplyDelete
  53. From My Point of View:

    I would write this as a letter but I'd be too heartbroken when you didn't write back.

    I came back for you. I thought I would drive out to Florida to see your face again. I partied, and went to the gas station, and saw some powdered doughnuts you might want, I being worried about your level of skinniness. I didn't want you to starve. And I walked up, a boy our age smoking a cigarette by the wall. I walked to the porch. And I heard you say "Haley's here, now we can smoke". I stared at you blankly tiredly, on my last foot there. And someone unnamed blocked the door. I was embarassed because I had asked him for a one-night stand the last time I saw him. So I stood there, him blocking the door, and I held those doughnuts. Felt like I was holding a piece of dog poo. Should I throw them in the bushes? No, then it would look like a piece of dog poo. So I turned and walked through the field to my car, Annalise on my mind, in a cloud of her. And then, in the night, I throw those stupid doughnuts on your windshield. I heard a crack. I pumped my car up, felt the gas run, and backed out and thought I hit two people, but when I checked there was no one. So I drove out, and there you were in my passenger seat.

    Care Bears Trespassing next day, you scared, or quiet at least. What were you thinking about? I threw my feet up on the cop car. I screamed your name, I held my heart for Max, and so forth...

    ReplyDelete
  54. I had a horrible dream that we weren't friends anymore. You were mean and distant. I don't know what this dream means, as I haven't thought of you in a good two weeks. I'm moving on I guess. I spend more time now with Jesus and God, but I am sorry for ignoring you. I know I don't need to write this, I know that we are kindred spirits. You raised me from the bottom up, and then everything came crashing down. I forgot you, I forgot Jesus and God, the tides were strong. Know that I love you as a sister and I really hope you'll always be in my life, although I know this is not possible. Sorry for ignoring you recently, cupcake. I hope the wind blows in your favor today Love, Haley Adams Smith

    ReplyDelete
  55. Happy Birthday! hope you're doing well...Love, Haley

    ReplyDelete
  56. And the strong scent of evergreen
    From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

    Then looking upwards
    I strain my eyes and try
    To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
    From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

    "Do they collide?"
    I ask and you smile.
    With my feet on the dash
    The world doesn't matter.

    When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
    When you need directions then I'll be the guide

    -Death Cab for Cutie

    ReplyDelete
  57. It has been on my mind a lot, the first time i met you.

    well, not all of it will be interesting, or even unique, for i know that you have made many as meaningful entrances.

    therefore i am not unique.

    i was out with lance, he turned down an alley and said come meet christina. he practically dragged me there. before i met you i knew nothing of your charisma is the only word i can think of. we sat on a bed, across from you. you were on valium, you were sitting on the floor, your hair so long it almost touched the ground.

    you were the prettiest girl i had ever seen. you were skinny, all of your bracelets were right. you sat on the floor on a pink rug in front of the bedbunks. you looked me and lance, both in the eye, back and forth. i can't remember what you were talking about but your eyes were smooth, back and forth from me and lance for a good five minutes. "it looks like hilary duff designed this room" a little rude of me. but you said calmly. calmly in the way i know now, as if there was nothing but calmly, and you said no that's my roommates rug. "I like your purse" you said and i put it on the floor in front of you. me polite. which one is your favorite. you picked out a fleur de lis patch. then you handed it back to me. i waited for you to put it on the floor but you held it there. as patiently as if only the patient existed. i took it from your hand. we talked more, until i realized that i had only just met you, and cast my eyes downward. and when i looked up your eyes were still looking at me, a seeming anger to them, squinted, as if i had done somthing very unfriendly.

    it was at this point that i knew we were friends.

    max walked by the bookcase. "don't touch my shit you said, but when he wanted to go we went "i'll go with you " you said. and my downward cast had dissolved forever. you were there for me

    ReplyDelete
  58. i've been thinking a lot. i had a dream about you...you were running a little glass shop upstairs. you had grown older. i'm almost glad we never see each other after i was barely 20. you were at your prime and i was too. i was mean to you in my dream, i didn't like that you looked different. i guess in many ways i'm living a fantasy. not to say anything about whether i would like to see you (i would love to see you) but what a dissapointment it would be that you wouldn't have the long hair and big brown eyes and a virginity to your looks, jeans and tiny tshirts and eyeliner and red lipstick. you remain the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

    ReplyDelete
  59. and me, let us not forget, with my pink blonde brown hair in little kaki shorts and oversized hollister t-sxhirts

    ReplyDelete
  60. Hear the sea spray give
    I was with her
    We're under the ship so get me over
    Now that was me, listen

    ... Soak me to my skin
    Will you drown me in your sea?
    Submission ends and I begin

    There was no one out there we used
    There is the news for me useless
    How we'll be teased
    Now she fishes now, listen

    Choke me smoke the air
    In this citrus sucking sunshine
    I don't care your not all there

    Oh won't you just ask me you're an imbecile
    What's the matter for everyone I feel
    Pain, blues singer
    He's playing just a guitar

    Every backbone and heart you break
    Will still come back for more
    Here he come

    I wake I still look I feel loose
    We're all here now who'se the first, ease into my heart
    He must be one of us

    Got no question got no love
    I'm throwing stones at you, man
    I want you black and blue and
    I'm gonna make you bleed

    Gonna bring you down to your knees
    Don't stop, isn't it funny how you shine?

    FONTAINE IAN BROWN

    -my best friend wrote this, love you, haley

    ReplyDelete
  61. Black rose & a radio fire
    Its so contagious
    It's like something changing my mind
    Im gonna take whats evil

    Your cover melting inside
    With wide eyes you tremble
    Kissing over & over again
    Your god knows his faithful
    I try - to digest my pride
    But passions grip i fear
    When i climb - into shallow vats of wine
    I think i almost hear - but its not clear

    You are the one
    You'll never be alone again
    You're more than in my head - your more

    Spin faster shouting out loud
    You cant steal whats paid for
    Such something hurting again
    Murder son she's painful

    You so believe your own lies
    On my skin your fingers
    Runaway until the last time
    We're gonna lose forever

    When you try - don't try to say you wont
    Try to crawl into my head
    When you cry - cause it's all built up inside
    Your tears already said - already said

    You are the one
    You'll never be alone again
    You're more than in my head - you're more [x2]

    You'll never be alone again...

    You are the one
    You'll never be alone again
    You're more than in my head - you're more [x2]

    I don't have a crush on you anymore, and it feels so weird...but when i get down to my element i still think of you. You were the best friend ever. I don't know the words to say. I wish tons of blessings for you.

    Love,
    Haley

    and the song is shiny toy guns, y ou know that love

    ReplyDelete
  62. I had a dream about you last night. I had woken up five times in the middle of the night, and finally got a good 3 of concentrated REM. Alexis walked by and I ignored her, and then I saw you and al of our old friends sitting at a bar. Basically, I don't really remember what happened, but we were at a coffeesshop in the middle of a festival but the streets were absolutely empty. Playdough too.

    Well, I just wanted to say hi, and hope you're doing well! <3

    ReplyDelete
  63. "so many battles to win"

    ReplyDelete
  64. cccx, when i first met you, your bracelts on the floor




    and then, nothing

    ReplyDelete
  65. I miss you so it's unbearable. I haven
    t been to a party
    In years
    I haven't heard your voice
    I forgot its wring
    Soft and low and smooth
    Or a whisper bright
    As the sunshine on my face

    It wont' be long
    Before I see you again
    I tell you that
    Because the Christmas lights
    Are dim.
    I only see the emptiness of you,
    Gone.

    I hear the same songs,
    And all of a sudden
    For the first time,
    I miss you beside me.
    I miss you laughing at me.
    I just want to be close to you.
    So close you could catch me on fire.

    I don't know why it started
    It's infinite, the way I miss you.
    And I don't use that word lightly.

    I know you have a boyfriend,
    But you've had a boyfriend before.

    My dear puttystank
    I love you more than I can contain
    I'm emitting rays
    I don't know what color they are
    Probably a bright navy blue

    Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
    Are you aware the shape I'm in?
    My hands they shake
    My head it spins
    Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

    -The Avett Brothers

    Three words that became hard to say
    I and love and you

    -The Avett Brothers

    ReplyDelete
  66. I miss your hair straggly, Your lack of freckles on a perfect nose, The way you flicked your wrist, Your long arms, Your tight t-shirts, Holding your coat in my hand. I know that I'm a lesbian now. BecauseI only ever want to be with you. Forever. I want you beside me when we're at the movies. I want you old I want you young. I don't wanna be big dykes, I just want to be your girl. I want to see you laugh, even if it's not me telling the joke. I mean that. I want to see you laugh. I want to hear the tight little laryx in your neck. Even though I'm not particularly fond of your neck. It's ok though.

    I want you to kick me from behind when I don't pass the pipe fast enough. I want to be your beanbag. Feel the mold of you against me. Every cravice.

    I want to lay with you and redo that scene from the l-word with jenny and marina. I love marina. She's pretty like you

    I want to be the girl with rollerskates on your computer. I want to be the water you wash your hands with, the water in the tub.

    I want to bury my face in you. Your hair soft against my forehead.

    That's what i really want

    ReplyDelete
  67. Load the car and write the note
    Grab your bag and grab your coat



    -The Avett Brothers

    ReplyDelete
  68. what were you doin', new years, new years eve?

    ReplyDelete
  69. happy valentines day, baby

    ReplyDelete
  70. <3 <3 <3

    star

    aw, but it's just a waste of time
    it's such a waste of time

    ReplyDelete
  71. remember on the hill?

    ReplyDelete
  72. I've have called you children
    I have called you son
    What is there to answer
    If I'm the only one
    Morning comes in Paradise
    Morning comes in light
    Still I must obey
    Still I must invite

    If there's anything to say
    If there's anything to do
    I there's any other way
    I'd do anything for you

    I was dressed in embarassment
    I was dressed in white
    If you had a part of me
    Will you take your time
    Even if I come back
    Even if I die
    Is there some idea
    To replace my life

    Like a father to impress
    Like a mother's mourning dress
    If we ever make a mess
    I'll do anything for you

    I have called you preacher
    I have called you son
    If you have a father
    Or if you haven't one
    I'll do anything for you
    I'll do anything for you
    I'll do anything for you
    I'll do anything for you
    I'll do anything for you

    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you
    I did everything for you

    ReplyDelete
  73. strawberry stains :)

    ReplyDelete
  74. i'm in love christina

    ReplyDelete
  75. http://www.facebook.com/MessageInABottleRainbow

    ReplyDelete
  76. 'tis the day of the wolf
    the day of the moon
    we met you
    so holy
    in a room

    'tis the day of the law
    the day of regrets
    the day of
    games
    left
    unspent

    'tis the day of the pawn
    and the day of God
    what he has in store
    may be
    rather odd

    'tis the day of grace
    tis the day of cold
    lying in the grass
    my tears flow
    turn to mold

    'tis the day of the left
    the day of the waiting
    their chains
    on their feet
    in yearning

    'tis the day of the bite
    the day of the calm
    tis the day of the weather
    wholesome sweet yet clod

    'tis the day i will go
    the day i will return
    the day the store
    has learned its role

    'tis the day of longing
    the day of reverse
    the day of telling you
    's nothing in my purse

    ReplyDelete
  77. “that the divine father shall protect comfort entertain etc”

    Saw VIII?Pan’s Labyrinth 2

    She was flying over the green room when people started shooting on the stairs. She was suddenly in a wheel chair and running through the parking lot at noon when she started tempting them by saying “you can’t get me, I’ll never die” but after dodging incredibly about 7 bullets she was shot. Some people in blue suits found her in the parking lot. “well take care of you and bring you to a safe place they said” they picked her up by her armpits. “how many seconds do I have to live?” she asked “about 8 they said. They told her not to walk but she started to move her legs in the air. After walking down corridors, she was suddenly in an indoor pool. She had dejavus. People had been testing drugs on the dead in pools. She gasped a breath and another and another. As they threw the capsule in. Then she started to sink. They were laughing with their martini glasses. She took a breath and a final won and prayed to God. Then after a brief bout of darkness she woke up to see God in a chamber he was a red zombie. He said something she doesn’t remember now. Then she realized she was in Saw VIII. The music started playing softly. She ran to the two closing mechanical doors and got her fingers stuck in the outside chamber when she realized she didn’t have to complete the first task. The second she completed swiftly, running her hands along the white handicap bar to realize the truth. She looked for a face and found one on the ground. She read it. Another zombie with bared teeth. Sasha. Saying leave me alone. She realized she was dead and asked God to bring her back to Sasha one last time…at some point. Then the TV came on and Saw congratulated her. A car key appeared under the dead face.) The writer was in a fatal car accident 2 days before. But what when we get bored the girl asked. Well, there are plenty of things to do here. You can join the army, who eat narcotics out of dead bodies to fuel the matrix. But they go crazy. I sAW my friends. You have to train others who have died and you are punished if you do not do a good job. Then he sliced the neck of an aborted baby. Suddenly the baby sank in the pool and from its spine down the narcotics were extracted. Then I was, also in cartoon from the spine down. Saw and Amanda on the TV. You must return. This is a secret. I was by a gas station it was windy and story. I got a phone call on my cell. “MOVE A MILE AWAY FROM THIS GAS STATION AND YOU WILL DIE!” A storm passed and I looked down and it was like the time the writer and Brittney dropped astrojax in the bay. Everything was glowing luminescent. Avitar. Nuff said. A lock of my mom’s blonde hair. A secret. I woke upt.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I'm sorry for writing about such an awful dream and really emabarassed, rerally i am chrissy. i love you. wasn't it scary tho? hopefully my trazzy will help me sleep better tongith. i hate to get all cakey on you. i would say the other word but it kinda isn't to my liking. i love you with all my heart and if i could pull it out and give it to you like the gypsy you are i'm davey jones and i know you love me. so much. i miss you and imagine you covering your mouth with your hand and then turning to randall like "this is crazy shit" and laughing. bells

    ReplyDelete
  79. blue bird in the corner

    ReplyDelete
  80. hey, i was watching this scary movie and i was acutlly enjoying it because every thrill was like an o gasm and i looked stupid except that, i saw myself in the movie. i'm not terribly attractive and the moment, but i was my 16 year aold witchy hair and eyes.

    so how are you? 1st of october, next one's yours..

    ReplyDelete
  81. Have you ever thought about publishing an ebook or guest authoring on other sites?
    I have a blog based on the same ideas you discuss and would really like to have you share
    some stories/information. I know my audience would enjoy your work.
    If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e-mail.


    Feel free to visit my blog post: Renegade Diet Review - The-Renegade-Diet-Review.Blogspot.Com,

    ReplyDelete