Jacob Perkins

A Girl Like That

I need a girl with a fatass ponytai
Like fatass you can’t wrap a hand around
Like fatass you can’t quite grasp
Until one time while climbing you realize
in a moment of honeymoon horror
just what that means

I need a girl whose proportions are entirely unrealistic
like her arms and legs are no longer attached to her body
and she just worms around now asking
Why Why Why
Why were you so careless?

I need a girl with a bangin twin brother
who commonly says things like “Bro
I’ve already been there, Bro”
without clarification

I need a girl with a sickass aunt
who lives more than three states away
Like an aunt that’s not really a relative
but hung around for a while
a while ago
who worked for an organization
I could never sympathize with
who will develop a series of complications
and will sometimes call with terrible news
strictly over collect
and demand various sums of cash

I need a girl who will cover me in blanket statements
like “He loves sports” and
“He hates people”
and provide those statements
with so many relevant examples
that everyone nods, believing

I need a girl with a monstrous pair of uncles
who are both technically her dad
depending on which relative you ask
And they both want to wrestle

Poem's Score: -0.22664516129

Jacob Perkins is a co-founder of Mellow Pages Library & Reading Room located in Bushwick, NYC, which is a user-sourced collection of small press books, chapbooks and zines. He is currently working on dismantling his BFA in Painting and Drawing by writing poems about his expectations on women. He is 26. He is not a woman.


For July 2013, Everyday Genius is pleased to present poems that were rated below 0.4 on the "Poetry Assessor"—a tool that "is designed to determine whether a poem has the characteristics of a professional poem, or, alternatively, an amateur poem.
We publish the poems here, with their scores, not to confirm the Assessor's judgment, but to allow human readers to decide for themselves.

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