Heather McShane

G: Volume 8: Page 386

“The Gregorian calendar interferes with laissez faire,” claimed Alan Greenspan. He theorized the establishment of this calendar, with its extra day in February every four years, increased the likelihood greeting card sales would exceed expected growth every fourth year, thereby giving a false impression of Greenpeace’s importance in the world, given that Greenpeace enticed potential member-contributors by sending them blank greeting cards and asking for charity money in return. Greenspan said, “All businesses use Gregorian calendar dates,” adding, “the government establishes these dates, and the extra day every fourth year is the ultimate government interference in economic affairs.”

Images, all X-ed out, of Greenpeace greeting cards flashed large behind Greenspan as he presented. A big, black X across a jumping whale, belly exposed. A big, black X across a clapping seal. Greenspan said, “There are businesses that could use that extra day in February every fourth year, but as it is, we can’t change history and, for example, make George Washington a Greek god. We need statues of real heroes. We should look to Greensboro. Greensboro, North Carolina, manufacturing and petroleum marketing center, named after American Revolutionary War officer Nathanael Greene. Greensboro. You may ask yourself: What about the extra 26 seconds an average Gregorian year in Greensboro? Well, the people of Greensboro don’t have their heads in the clouds. Greensboro. Insurance, electronics, furniture, textiles, all things that Americans need.” Greenspan paused for effect as an X-ed-out school of fish swam on the wall behind him.

“Remember the 1990’s? Economic expansion? Of course, this was after the explosion of Greenpeace’s ship Rainbow Warrior in 1985. Do any of you remember that? How much influence do you think I possibly had on anything?” An X-ed-out beach with a sunset.

Heather McShane recommends "When He Holds Out His Hands, Bees Stream from His Fingertips" at ucity review.

(For December at Everyday Genius, contributors were asked to recommend something elsewhere on the Internet.)

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