In A Week Or Two Sung By Diamond Rio
In a week or two
I was gonna bring you diamonds
Get glittery with pink pus.
Sparkle your cinnabuns,
string pearls between your legs,
gurgle creamy froth from every crack.
Take what he gives.
Take the diamonds,
hide them in your belly rolls,
hide them in his pubic hair,
go diving for your treasure in his wreck.
Jolene Sung By Dolly Parton
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene
Jolene was like, Come here Sugartits,
and he was like, But I have a girlfriend,
and Jolene was like, I want your cock,
and he was like, But I’m a woman.
Then he became a man.
No one can compete with Jolene, really:
it was hairy tunneling in synch,
a karaoke of bursting orgasms,
cunt songs he crooned into her country.
Then she said, My vagina map is pointing me in the other direction.
He said, My vagina compass always points North.
So they departed.
He came back to me,
described it all in detail,
and even now I feel tight tingling below
when he moans her name at night.
The Fireman Sung By George Strait
Everybody’d like to have what I got
I can cool ‘em down when they’re smoldering hot
You have a hose.
You swing your hose like an elephant tusk.
You run with your hose ready
toward the biggest hottest house fires.
A woman has a cunt
for a house.
So now it all makes sense.
Sometimes you like to sleep in the house,
all curled up like a dead baby mouse.
Sometimes the woman’s other house, her mouth,
is on fire and that one must be sprayed down, too.
Thank you for doing your job, Fireman.
There is no such thing as a Firewoman.
We know what that’s called.
Kristin Sanders is the author of the poetry chapbook, Orthorexia (Dancing Girl Press, 2011). She teaches at Loyola University New Orleans and is a poetry editor at the New Orleans Review.